With, not against
This entry is about my on-going work exploring my neurodivergence. Click here to read all of the posts on this topic.
The other day I was thinking about being a kid and the oscillation I experienced between the frustration of needing quick, fast changing activities, the quite literal painful experiences of boredom, and then how I’d get engrossed in certain activities uninterrupted for hours on end.
I was a real nerd in my early teens. Our household got the internet very early on in 1997, when I was 12. I quickly latched on to the internet in a very deep way. It connected me to people across the world, other young people with shared interests, and in many ways brought a shy and unwell young person out of their shell.
I loved learning about coding and website design. I would stay up all night on the computer for 8-10 hours at a time, completely absorbed in the joy of making and developing ideas. I’d often then have this jolting experience of coming back to the real world, and feel shocked and disconcerted that so much time had passed. It would feel like I’d disappeared through a portal and was no longer present in the world beyond my own mind.
I’d be entirely unaware of the passage of time and the consequences it would have on my schooling, sleep, need to eat etc. When I asked a few friends about it they looked at me puzzled. I learnt to not speak about it again.
I often think about those younger experiences of periods of time completely immersed in an activity - what I’d now identify as hyperfocus - and see it so clearly as ADHD.
Part of a late diagnosis for me has been casting my mind back and seeing not only what was missed, but what was always there. I’ve spent over 3 decades telling myself (and hearing) that how I think, how I work, or simply how I function is wrong - something to be fixed.
A mantra I have been repeating to myself over the last six months is “with, not against.” A reminder to work with myself, not against myself.